Knowing When To Fold 'Em

Who would have ever guessed that my favorite game would be such a popular addition to reality TV? Suddenly, poker is bigger than Paris Hilton and Donald Trump put together. (Come to think of it, I suspect it’s only a matter of time until some smart cookie puts those two together in a TV extravaganza. It will be a ratings smash, not to mention the end of western civilization as we have come to know it.)

Shows such as “Celebrity Poker,” “World Poker Tours” and “World Series of Poker,” are all over the tube. And, frankly, I don’t get it. As a spectator sport, the problem with Texas hold-’em, a version of poker in which each player gets dealt two down cards, with five community cards eventually exposed, is that it is, roughly speaking, 98.47% dumb luck.

Yes, I understand that the real appeal of the game is it relies heavily on the players’ willingness to wager large sums on the turn of a card. But if the players all have lots of money already — and they do! — what’s the big deal? I once tuned in and saw Jerry Buss, owner of the Los Angeles Lakers, playing in the final head-to-head game against some very obnoxious punk.

But who cares if Buss wins or loses fifty grand? I doubt if even he does. Still, he was fortunate he was only playing for peanuts, and not for his franchise. Otherwise, his next gig would have been selling peanuts at Staples Center.

If I were staging these events, I’d forget all the big names and all the poker professionals, and I’d match up guys who were risking their rent money. Now that would be high drama. But, heck, I know some odd ducks who will be either very elated or extremely depressed next Sunday, based solely on whether some multi-millionaire pockets another $800,000 in a golf tournament. Go figure.

I have been playing poker for over forty years. The one conclusion I have drawn after all those countless hours is that companies have been wasting time and money administering psychological tests to potential employees. After all, it’s easy as pie to fake one’s way through those exams.

One: Would you rather plant roses or kill your grandmother? Two: Do you ever dream that you’re conducting the Boston Pops in your birthday suit? Three: Are you convinced you’re God? If I were looking to hire somebody, I’d sit him down in a poker game. In short order, I’d not only find out if he cheated, but how he dealt with setbacks. Is he a whiner and a sore loser? I’d discover how he dealt with victory. Does he gloat? Is he one of those louts who carries on as if good luck is to be mistaken for brilliance?

The good news for the yutz who failed my test is that he would probably wind up running a movie studio or a TV network.

As much as I enjoy playing poker, that’s how little I enjoy seeing it played on cable TV. The worst thing about these televised matches is having to watch all the posturing by the players. Like the strippers in “Gypsy,” they all seem to have a gimmick, one cornier than the next. It’s as if they’ve all seen too many bad movies. They either dress up like riverboat gamblers or like the chorus boys from a road company production of “Guys and Dolls.”

They’ve all given themselves nicknames, like “Snake Eyes” or “The Ogre,” that are supposed to strike terror into the hearts of their opponents. How scary can they be? Behind the sunglasses and the sneers, these are a bunch of characters who spend their lives sitting around on their fannies, playing cards, just like the old guys in the park. The only exercise they get is raising on a pair of queens or tossing in their hands.

The only part of the game worth watching are the final minutes when the two players try to out-glare one another. Each guy acts as if he possesses laser vision, and expects to turn his opponent into a handful of ashes. I swear, you don’t see this much bad acting on a Fox sitcom.

Tough guys? Believe me, in hand-to-hand combat, the ladies from my aunt Sophie’s Canasta group — blue-haired women with handles such as Miriam “Mad Dog” Epstein and Hannah”Take No Prisoners” Flitterman – would have these boys for lunch.