As a professional filmmaker, I have to say I was as stunned as you when I read that the film industry suffered through another lackluster box office year in 2008. The chief reasons for this appear to be the economy and Internet pirates, or possibly that Raisinette ebola scare. Whatever the cause it’s safe to say that it had nothing to do with the screen product, because 2008 was also a landmark year for the kind of ponderous, preachy, high-quality cinema that Americans from Santa Monica to Silverlake are clamoring for. Don’t take my word for it — just look at the record 5,362 awards Hollywood earned from itself last year, up nearly 35% from 2003. Suck on that, stupid box office!
Thankfully, however, Hollywood’s nagging box office troubles are finally a thing of the past now that President-Elect Obama is busily healing the economy and the MPAA’s 6th Fleet is bombarding the movie pirates off the Barbary Coast. It’s finally safe for America to return to the local octoplex and enjoy the rich $10 cinematic experience they’ve been avoiding for the past year. Just look at some of the promising releases in store for 2009:
Incident at Amity: Steven Spielberg directs this cerebral CGI-heavy remake of ‘Jaws’ slated for summer release. Insiders say the 34-year update will feature “additional points of view” and “be less judgmental about sharks.” Starring Willam H. Macy as the anti-shark fundamentalist, and Russell Crowe as the Great White.
Silenced Wood: George Clooney stars and directs in this drama about the climate of fear among liberal ventriloquists during radio’s notorious Charlie McCarthy era.
Hershey Highway: Based on the Tony Kushner play, a candy factory worker (Joaquin Seymour Gyllenhall) and an Amish teen (John Phillips Sousa Huffnagel) find forbidden pleasure in a poignant love tale set against the gritty backdrop of Pennsylvania’s chocolate belt.
Me Billy: Based on the inspirational true story of a learning disabled man (Sean Penn) who rescues New Orleans from a racist flood with a magical red beer cup.
Dark Spinach: Brooding, conflicted superhero sailor man (Matt Damon) must face his own inner demons and canned vegetable addiction to save his anorexic lover (Gwyneth Paltrow) in the violent screen adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel. Featuring Mickey Rourke as Bluto.
Oh, Hell No: Martin Lawrence, Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg and Chris Tucker reprise their roles in the surprise hit ‘Big Fat Sassy Grandma’ in this raucously degrading comedy based on the popular urban catchphrase.
Ice Station Wasilla: Global warming unleashes Nixon, McCarthy, and Sarah Palin from a glacial tomb in this stylish post-apocalyptic horror set in Alaska. With Keanu Reeves as Al Gore.
The Vespa Diaries: Romantic revolutionary scooterist Pol Pot (Fulgencio Del Taco) and US intellectual Noam Chomsky (Sparky Affleck) find forbidden rainforest love in Steven Soderberg’s Cambodian remake of ‘Roman Holiday’ that had Sundance audiences cheering.
The Royal Fluffers: Lovable band of misfit stoners with Jew-fros trick Queen Elizabeth into filming a porno in this sweet coming-of-age teen fart bong sex comedy from Judd Apatow. Starring Jonah Sethberg, Seth Justinstein, Jay Justin Jonahbluth, Ron Jeremy, and Helen Mirren. (British release titled “On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix”)
Sex And The City II: Hot Flashes. America’s favorite quartet of pre-menopausal Gotham divas return for more breezy mimicking of gay men.
Fearful Silence: Courageous ‘What’s My Line?’ contestant (Leonardo DiCaprio) refuses to answer panelist questions in this game show drama set against the McCarthy-blacklist era. With Ralph Fiennes as Bennett Cerf and Keith Olbermann as Kitty Carlisle.
High School Musical 5: Donner Pass Prom Party. Music, love, and cannibalism are in the air as the Wildcat gang gets stranded in the High Sierras. Featuring the hit Zach Cody – Melissa Vanessa duet, “I Never Thought It Could Taste So Good.”
Cold Humpcrack Creekwater: Two retarded gay cowgirl sisters (Rene Zellweger, Traci Lords) defy a fundamentalist sherriff (Chris Cooper) and discover love in this 1930’s period piece set in the Appalachian outback of Nebraskansaw.
Angel Soft This: In a shocking and sometimes humorous indictment of the toilet paper industry, filmmaker Morgan Spurlock documents the ravages he suffers after 30 straight days of non-stop butt-wiping.
Zaftig Pi: The Eigenvectress. Plus-size video game super-heroine comes to life, as Oscar winner Kathy Bates battles Christian fundamentalist aliens with kung fu cartwheels.
Muggers: Jim Carrey, Will Farrell, and Jack Black team up in new comedy about three men who spend 92 minutes yelling and making annoying facial expressions. With Jennifer Aniston as the exasperated woman.
Lunch Lady: poignant story of school cook turned playground serial strangler has generated advanced Oscar buzz for star Scarlett Johannson, who reportedly gained 400 pounds, facial tattoos and gum disease for the role.
Fearful Deadly Fear: Blacklisted 1950’s screenwriter Damon Runyan (Tim Robbins) writes a secret screenplay about the the McCarthy-era blacklists, in this 1950’s blacklist drama set against the background of the McCarthy era blacklists.
Snow Fuji Mountain: Mothra (Toby Damon) and Gamera (Orlando Law) discover forbidden love while destroying Tokyo in this story of nuclear-triggered sexual awakening.
Frosty/Nixon: Historic confrontation between disgraced president (Vince Vaughn) and magical dancing snowman (Ricky Gervais) in this 6-hour animated holiday political interview thriller from Ron Howard.
Lotta Splainin: Javier Bardem plays a verbally abusive Cuban bandleader and Cate Blanchett a neglected woman with a secret Vita-meata-vegamin addiction in this beautifully filmed marital drama set in the repressive 1950s. With Larry the Cable Guy and Kate Winslett as Fred and Ethel.
Reservoir Puppies: Quentin Tarantino teams with Pixar in this animated children’s holiday tale about six lost whelps and a botched burglary. Starring the voices of Steve Buscemi, Harvey Keitel, and Samuel L. Jackson as Mister Pinky.
Silenced 1984: Acclaimed documentary filmmaker Errol Morris interviews the survivors of Hollywood’s notorious Reagan-era ‘Year of Fear,’ when only three McCarthy-themed movies were released.
The Red State Menace: Hollywood patriotism returns with a vengeance in this contemporary crime thriller starring George Clooney as an undercover G-Man who infiltrates a Kansas Rotary Club to uncover Republican subversives for the House Un-Obama Activities Committee.
So what are you waiting for America? Make your 2009 resolution to get Hollywood and America back on their feet — visit your local theater and reserve one on the aisle. Movies remain your best entertainment value, if you ignore the $40 for tickets, parking, and snacks.
But if you decide to stay at home again, that’s cool. There’s always that bailout thing.
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