What Everyone Knows about Deflate-Gate

Everyone knows the New England Patriots can’t get their story straight on Deflate-gate, the media told us so.

Everyone knows that 11 of 12 balls used by the Patriots in the AFC Championship Game were underinflated by at least two pounds of air pressure, the media told us so. Everyone knows that merely one of the 12 balls used by the Patriots in the AFC Championship Game was underinflated by at least two pounds of air pressure, the media told us so.

Everyone knows Indianapolis Colts linebacker D’Qwell Jackson noticed something strange with the football he intercepted from Tom Brady, the media told us so. Everyone knows Indianapolis Colts linebacker D’Qwell Jackson noticed nothing wrong with the football he intercepted from Tom Brady, the media told us so.

Everyone knows that cold weather can’t cause a two-pound drop in air pressure in footballs, the media told us so. Everyone knows that cold weather can cause a two-pound drop in air pressure in footballs, the media told us so.

Everyone knows the Baltimore Ravens tipped off the NFL to Deflate-gate, the media told us so. Everyone knows the Indianapolis Colts general manager tipped off the NFL to Deflate-gate, the media told us so.

Everyone knows that 90 seconds in a bathroom allows enough time to deflate 11 footballs, the media told us so. Everyone knows that 90 seconds in a bathrooms does not allow enough time to deflate 11 footballs, the media told us so.

Everyone knows that deflated balls provide a huge advantage, the media told us so. Everyone knows that deflated balls provide a negligible advantage, the media told us so.

Everyone knows the Patriots deflated balls to help Tom Brady throw the football, the media told us so. Everyone knows the Patriots deflated balls to help LeGarrette Blount not fumble the football, the media told us so.

Everyone knows the Patriots fumble so infrequently because they cheat, the media told us so. Everyone knows the Patriots fumble so infrequently because of Tom Brady’s quick release, Bill Belichick’s propensity to bench backs who cough up the ball, and the team’s attraction to sure-handed players in free agency, the media told us so.

Everyone knows that the NFL conducted a sting operation to catch the Patriots in the act rather than prevent them from using under-inflated balls during the AFC Championship Game, the media told us so. Everyone knows that the under-inflated balls caught the NFL so off guard that the league didn’t even log the air pressure prior to the AFC Championship Game, the media told us so.

Everyone knows the New England Patriots, especially their congenitally curt coach Bill Belichick who cannot contain his unwarranted contempt for the Fourth Estate, drown fact in fiction on Deflate-gate.

The media told us so.