My Weekly Date With A Liberal

As a conservative in Hollywood, I could not be more proud of Andrew Breitbart and the unveiling of his Big Hollywood.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Breitbart slowly approached the woman and unveiled his Big Hollywood. She gasped, but created no words. He had seen this reaction before.

BREITBART

You don’t have to say anything. I already know.

—

Note: The above scene is WGA registered.

Let me talk about myself in the 3rd person for a moment. Jon David is a graduate of Stanford University, as well as the prestigious American Film Institute. He has written and directed commercials, music videos, and feature films. Moreover, he is an accomplished singer/songwriter, having placed songs in many televisions shows and movies. His band has played venues ranging from the Viper Room to the Staples Center. In other words, Jon David kicks ass.

Note: Everything in the above paragraph is true with exception of the name Jon David. However, there is particular veracity to the asskicking part.

When Breitbart asked me to participate in Big Hollywood, I was extremely flattered, bordering on emotional. I saw what he was doing. I saw the end game: a tinsel town where the conservative perspective could be represented without fear of prejudice. Alas, there’s about time we had the venue and the collective courage to say “We are conservatives,” without fear of occupational repercussions or ostracism.

I, unfortunately, do not have the aforementioned courage, but my cup runneth over with the aforementioned fear, which resulted in my decision to write under a pseudonym.

In all fairness, I wrestled intensely with my cowardice, before being pinned within seconds of the opening round. Laying flat on my back, having scarcely broken a sweat, I realized that my contribution to Big Hollywood would in fact, require my anonymity.

Note: a personal rationalization of embarrassing proportions.

Let me explain where I’m coming from…from whence I come…from where I come. Let me explain how I got here. It took me 2 years to raise my hand in a classroom at Stanford. I assumed that everyone there was smarter and was convinced that what I had to say, not only would not matter, but would invoke intense ridicule from other students. One day in my 18th century literature class, while discussing Alexander Pope’s The Rape of the Locke, my sexually ambiguous professor asked if anybody had something to add to the discussion. Well that day, that identity forming day, something happened: my hand went up, almost involuntarily, as if my body was screaming at my heart and mind to scream out with equal passion.

My sexually ambiguous professor called on me, clearly not by name, but rather by frustratingly pointing me out in the back, as if selecting a donut through the glass.

And then it happened: I spoke. The words traveled quickly as if they had known for years where they were heading and simply needed to be released in order to reach their destination.

What followed was one of the most incoherent pieces of oratory ever uttered in a class room. Not only was there no destination, the origin was in question is well.

The point of this story is twofold with maybe several folds not yet recognized. One: Sometimes anonymity is the right thing. Two: Some people are in fact smarter than others.

(Note: to this day, I don’t know if my professor was a man or a woman)

This being said, I have decided to look for a niche inside Big Hollywood…a niche where I can shine…where I can matter, by shedding light on a side of the Hollywood experience that is equally important, relevant, and in need of examination, and yet greater minds would most likely pass right over it….and that is Dating in Hollywood.

Recently a friend of mine wanted to set me up with a girl he knew. So he did what people do these days and he told me and the girl (let’s call her Dora) to look each other up on Facebook. We exchanged a few witty back and forth’s, albeit mine, a bit wittier, but she held her own, being a Romanian yoga instructor with aspirations of modeling and acting….all things were looking good. She saw my picture, so I cleared that bar by an ass whisker, and the notes I sent were received with much humor and good will…and then nothing. Dora vanished.

I asked my friend what happened. He told me that she couldn’t date me because I was a Republican. I asked him how she knew I was a Republican. He said I told her. Why would you tell her I’m a Republican? Because she’s a liberal. You’re an idiot. You don’t want to date her anyway. Then why did you set me up with her? I don’t know. I do: because you’re an idiot. Note: he too, was a Stanford English major.

My theory was that McCain had been gaining ground in the polls, and my friend (also a liberal,) committed either conscious or unconscious “PDS” political dating sabotage. He knew it would be the end of it, which is odd because I don’t think a Republican would not not date a girl because she was a liberal….particularly a Romanian yoga instructor with aspirations of modeling and acting.

This was a troubling interaction to say the least. Would I have to hide professionally and socially? If so, my chances of finding “the One” in this town would be less likely than finding a Prius without an Obama sticker. These are not good odds for me.

There has to be a way we can all co-exist. I refuse to believe that Dora is representative of most women in Hollywood.

Personal relationships are integral to the success of an artist in Hollywood. It is not a meritocracy. It is who you know. It is who you walk in with at a party. And if you can’t walk into a Hollywood party with a Romanian yoga instructor with aspirations of modeling and acting on your arm, simply because you’re a conservative….then your climb is even steeper my friend.

As a noble and anonymous crusader for Big Hollywood, I have decided to dive on the grenade for all conservatives and date One Liberal a week. The following self mandated criteria must be met weekly.

• She has to be a confirmed liberal
• I can not tell her I’m a conservative until mid way through the date
• I shall report in excruciatingly painful detail my ultimate demise on a weekly basis

As mentioned earlier, anonymity is required for this very important research project. In no way, can my liberal subjects know my true identity. They must respond honestly and organically if we are to learn anything from this experiment. The divide between the sexes is great and mysterious. The divide between the sexes with opposing political perspectives could prove to be dangerous enough to cause irreparable harm to anybody willing to explore it.

It’s time to raise my hand again. It’s time to matter.

Coming Soon:

My Weekly Date with a Liberal by Jon David

Note: by “coming soon,” I mean I have to get a date.