Russia Proposes 'Straight' Version Of Eurovision

Russia is considering creating its own version of Eurovision, because the existing contest represents the “collapse of the European Union’s moral values” according to The Local. The straight version of the competition will be called ‘Voice of Eurasia’, and has been floated in response to the outrage in Russia about the bearded lady, Conchita Wurst’s victory in the contest.

The competition will be open to former Soviet countries and will reflect the social conservatism of Russia. The country was outraged at the victory of the bearded lady, but may have been partly to blame for her victory because lots of voters in the west had been made aware of how much a Conchita Wurst victory would annoy Russia.

The Kremlin has been increasingly homophobic recently and even claimed Ukraine had been taken over by “gay Nazis”. Russia has also passed a series of laws against the gay community, which undoubtedly had an impact on the competition.

When Russia’s entry was voted through from the Semi-Final to the Final they received audible ‘boos’ from the crowd in Copenhagen. Also on social media members of the gay community had encouraged each other to vote for the bearded lady to offended Russia.

Yesterday The Sun newspaper asked one of their journalists to pretend to be Conchita and visit the Russia Embassy. The newspaper say it was in response to Russia’s anger at the Austrian’s victory, leading many to suspect that baiting the homophobic Kremlin may have become something of a sport in of itself.

Whatever the motivations it is clear that Conchita’s victory has upset many in Russia. A communist member of the Russian Parliament, Mr Valery Rashkin, was vitriolic about a transvestite act winning the Eurovision Song Contest. Valery said: “The last Eurovision contest’s results exhausted our patience. We must leave this competition. We cannot tolerate this endless madness.”

The suggestion of a Eurasia competition was then picked up by advisers to Belarus President Aleksander Lukashenko, widely seen as a puppet dictator under control of the Kremlin. In a statement Belarus’ Slavic Committee said: “Conchita Wurst’s Eurovision victory symbolizes the complete collapse of the European Union’s moral values. We do not need Europe!”

Russia had entered a much more traditional song, featuring 17 year old twins singing whilst going up and down on opposite sides of a see-saw. The song was placed seventh overall, after it received support from Russia’s traditional allies like Belarus and Azerbaijan.

This is not the first time Russia has attempted to ape the activities of Western Europeans, they are already in the process of creating a Eurasian Union to rival the EU. Like the EU it will work toward integration, effectively bringing Russia’s traditional sphere of influence back under the control of the Kremlin.