Good evening, and welcome to the Dangerous Faggot Tour. I’m the dangerous faggot that needs no introduction, but I still give myself one because, well, I enjoy the attention.
In my capacity as Daddy’s favorite and most fabulous advocate and chief supervillain of both the Internet and American college campuses, I am pleased to announce that I am quickly climbing the Clinton enemy list. I’m not sure what topping the list gets you, I guess a prize of some kind?
(SLIDE: TOMBSTONE “R.I.P – Accidentally Fatally Shot Himself In The Back Of The Head And Burned The Body)
I’ve actually reached out to Hillary’s campaign and told her I hope after Daddy wins that we can let bygones be bygones and foster a good relationship. I guess I forgot about Vince Foster.
We’ve gathered tonight on a very special night for America. Tonight marks the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. An incredible 100 million people are expected to tune in.
This is arguably the biggest TV event in 40 years if you don’t count the Superbowl.
This may shock some of you, but I recognize that the debates are even more important than my talk here tonight.
The first debate is extremely important for the presidential race.
There are reports of popcorn shortages around the country, and popcorn is too healthy a snack for feminists to be solely responsible.
Why are people so excited? Well, it’s a television spectacular unprecedented in politics.
On one side of the divide, a woman no one has ever liked, forced on us, piped into your living rooms for 90 minutes. Will Americans warm to Hillary, or will they, like us, find her creepy and weird?
On the other side, you have a practised showman and reality TV star — one of the few genuinely great TV stars of the last few decades.
And he’s so good at this. Floating the idea he was going to put Gennifer Flowers in the front row. I mean wow!
That’s one of Bill Clinton’s mistresses, for younger audience members. And the point is not to remind people that Bill was horndog — who cares? — but to remind Hillary that although Bill cheated, she was the one who tried to destroy those women’s lives afterwards.
Bill’s hands wandered as men’s hands sometimes do. It was Hillary who ruthlessly went after those young girls to paint them as attention- and money-grabbing bimbos. That’s your feminist icon, folks.
Imagine the poor liberal feminists who think Hillary will represent them in office. They’d show up for a rape symposium at the White House and find topics like “No one will believe that slut, right?” and “Managing bimbo eruptions.”
I try to avoid conspiracy theories but I love the idea that Bill secretly wants her to lose. I imagine him blinking furiously tonight.
Liberals think he’s blinking back tears at his wife’s wonderful performance. Conservatives think he’s trying to pick up chicks.
But I know he is blinking out morse code like a POW. STOP HER! SEND HELP!
I originally planned for this speech to be a prep guide to the debates for you as a viewer. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised you deserve a bigger topic than my admittedly fascinating opinions on what might happen in tonight’s debate.
So I went yuge.
Tonight’s topic is why I think, against all the odds and seemingly impossibly, Donald Trump will win the election in November. And why I think, for the good of America, that he has to.
First thing’s first: I’m not worried about his performance at all. Trump is a clutch performer who does better the more pressure he has on him. Unlike his opponent.
The entire mainstream media and political structure of this country are against him, but he won’t be sweating. The self confidence Trump possesses is staggering, and it doesn’t hurt that he is a madman. And, like, really hot.
The good news is, the debate rules favor Trump. Hillary has to stand for the whole thing!
No phoning a friend. Does anyone know the dialling code for Hell?
Also, no commercial breaks. Anyone remember the one she mysteriously returned from late? Wicked, scandalous gossip-mongers on the internet speculated that she was having her ostomy bag changed, but I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, such as falling asleep on the loo.
We’re told that no matter what happens, the cameras aren’t going to cut away. Even if one of the candidates has a little… “episode.”
Not sure I buy that. Remember Reuters cutting the feed when Donald Trump was given an Israeli prayer shawl in a black church? Don’t be surprised if mysterious broadcasting failures take the debates offline in the event of a Clinton coughing fit.
I’m just saying! I mean, could you blame the producers for being worried about unfortunate driving accidents on the way home from Hofstra University? There’s no safe space for those who embarrass the Clintons! Except perhaps the witness protection program.
Or an urn.
I’m kidding, I’m kidding.
Let’s be clear on one thing. Trump supporters should be hoping for a cough and stumble-free outing for Hillary tonight. Why? Because we don’t need to win just because she’s a frail old lady whose health may or may not render her unfit to serve as president and because she was probably late coming back from that toilet break because she got confused and lost.
That said, it’s probably what we’ll see. Can you imagine the contrast tonight? She’s going to be up there sickly and coughing, while Trump is standing there looking vital and energetic.
She’ll be shrill, he’ll be collected.
She’ll be short, he’ll be tall. An 8 inch difference if she doesn’t wear heels! And let me tell you, eight inches makes all the difference.
Late breaking news from the FBI, by the way. Hillary’s special podium has been given immunity. No word what it will testify about yet.
But we don’t wish will on her, we really don’t. There are too many awful episodes from history to consider.
Every past president has been worried about getting shot. President Reagan, God rest his soul, suffered a gunshot while in office. Hillary will mark a change in that trend if elected, she will constantly worry about not having a shot handy for when she has a seizure.
Hillary Clinton, whose secret service codename is “Patient Zero,” is set to enact ClintonCare on her first day in office.
Not a replacement for Obamacare, just a massive bureaucracy designed to administer her own personal health needs.
Trump worries about America’s future and how to fix our country. Hillary worries about making sure her banks in Switzerland, Panama, and Saudi Arabia all have wheelchair ramps.
Aside from her health, Hillary’s also getting increasingly hysterical as her numbers sink.
How did that ever make it out?
Trump, by contrast, has become presidential. He’s as cool as a cucumber. He’s increasingly composed and is conducting himself as a president should, while Hillary just can’t shake off that grouchy post-menopausal vibe.
All of this matters, but there’s something that matters more. And here’s why you should hope that Hillary doesn’t have an “episode” on stage: it’s because Trump can, and should, beat her with facts.
The facts are that his two signature policies — fixing immigration and trade — are the most urgent priorities for millions of Americans in this election.
A huge number of low information voters – by which I mean Democrats – will tune into the debates. They might not have heard a single thing Trump has actually said so far this election, instead relying on the mainstream media, which they consider to be a valid source of information.
I wish more Democrats could see that Hillary Clinton is just like Angela Merkel of Germany, a supposedly “strong” woman who has destroyed her country.
On second thoughts, I wish more democrats knew that Deutschland was a country in Europe and not a trendy coffee bar in Williamsburg.
But even Democrat voters do, in ever-increasing numbers, see their communities changing and feel the influence of mass uncontrolled immigration. If Daddy can communicate to these voters that he has their backs, he could walk it in November.
The facts of life for ordinary Americans are on Trump’s side. Crime is skyrocketing as police withdraw from proactive enforcement in the wake of Black Lives Matter protests. Every month, these deranged activists burn down another neighborhood — usually a black one. Voters want a President who can restore order. Hillary isn’t that President.
Then there’s migrant crime. Just the other day we had a shooting by a Turkish immigrant in Washington. Not a religiously motivated attack, we hear. Simply another example of immigrants bringing the violent cultures from the hellholes they originated from to the countries they’re migrating to. Voters are reaching a limit of tolerance for this shit.
I don’t blame ordinary Americans for being wary of Trump. If you’d only listened to lying, hysterical, self-contradictory and clownish journalists — by which I mean Glenn Beck — these past few months, you’d think he was a monster. A racist, a bigot, a sexist, a white supremacist, an anti-semite… and a whole lot more.
What’s clear is that Trump loves America, and he has some ideas about how to fix it that just might work. Can anyone say the same about the current president, or the woman he wants to succeed him?
The left looks out on America and sees a nation riddled with sexism, racism, homophobia and other bigotries. It sees the primary business of government to be policing our lives, to stamp out these perceived flaws. In most cases, those flaws are wildly overstated or do not exist at all. It’s just another way for authoritarian bullies to justify clamping down on freedom.
America was born free, and it deserves to stay free. It deserves Trump.
Whatever happens tonight, the media will proclaim victory for Hillary. This is partly because they haven’t yet worked out that no one believes a word they say and everyone hates them. But it’s partly also because they believe it: for them, Hillary making it through a 90-minute debate without keeling over is a win!
The media will portray Hillary as they portray all women in America — as a victimized, delicate flower bravely standing up to sexist patriarchal bullying. Don’t get me wrong, Donald Trump is totally patriarchal, and it’s totally hot, but the media’s efforts to portray Hillary as a victim won’t fly.
She was the Secretary Of State. She’s lived for more than two decades at the pinnacle of power in the most powerful country on earth. But because Trump is macho and loud, because he’s a straight white male, he’ll be portrayed as the big bully victimizing the poor helpless woman, who miraculously manages to triumph despite the patriarchal oppression.
This is the campus crybully ideology writ large. Clinton has victimized others — not least Bill Clinton’s countless mistresses. Through Benghazi, she was responsible for the deaths of servicemen. She’s not a victim — she’s what 1960s hippies would call “the man.”
Yet it’s Trump, who’s never held political office, who will be portrayed as the powerful alpha male who needs to be taken down a notch. This is exactly the sort of logically incontinent narrative-spinning that fuels the alt-right, but it won’t work — the media hasn’t realized that alpha males are cool again, and odious feminist harpies like Hillary are, like, so 2015.
I can’t see this sort of identity politics winning over much of the public either. There is no popular support for affirmative action and special pleading any more. The era of social justice, as the soaraway success of my Dangerous Faggot tour proves, is coming to an end.
Only 32% of Americans have any trust at all in the news media according to Gallup. That percentage will fall even further as voters witness even more shrill and frantic efforts to prop up Hillary.
In fact, you know, the numbers are pretty brutal for Hillary across the board.
If you’re watching this and you’re thinking: what a preposterous, lightweight, self-obsessed, attention-seeking faggot: you’ve got a point! But I’d ask you to consider this — just how badly did the news media have to fuck up to make me one of America’s premier news sources for an entire generation of students and ticked-off Millennial rebels?
For many Americans, Donald Trump has a revolutionary approach to politics. He says what he thinks! And he proposes action to follow through on his convictions.
When Trump proposed a ban on Muslim immigration, many people thought he’d gone too far. But as a gay man I was relieved, in the aftermath of Orlando, that at least one person in America was taking the threats from Islam seriously.
Can you say the same for Hillary? Her policies are almost completely reactive. Every day her team must say two prayers- firstly that they won’t have another “overheating” episode like they did on 9/11, and secondly that NOTHING HAPPENS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
Third is probably the morning call to prayer at the local mosque.
I’m not just being mean – Hillary’s number two is Huma Abedin, who worked at a radical Muslim journal for a decade and whose family business shared an address in London with something called the Muslim World League.
In 2009, while Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State, she admitted that Saudi Arabia was using the Muslim World League and the Abedin family business, World Assembly of Muslim Youth, to fund terrorism.
Huma has published articles blaming the USA for 9/11.
Huma, of course, is most famous for lying to the FBI, saying she didn’t know about Hillary’s private email server when she did.
Hillary and Huma are inseparable these days. It’s not just knitting, Scrabble and scissoring that they bond over. They have the same terrible taste in husbands.
It’s no mystery why Hillary is so fond of putting women in burkas, given Bill’s wandering eyes and hands.
Of course, it’s not just terrorism and the oppression of women that Hillary is happy to turn a blind eye to.
She has accepted millions of dollars from Muslim countries that murder homosexuals, while pathetically pandering to gays back home.
Hillary’s open borders approach, inviting young men of fighting age from every hellhole on earth to come to America doesn’t look too good when we have Turks shooting up one mall and Somalis stabbing people in another.
Trust me. I come from Europe. I know what happens when you import Muslims in mass numbers.
I think Americans are smart enough not to vote for a sharia-compliant White House, and that’s before we even get onto the subject of the Supreme Court.
Even when the mainstream media goes into full containment mode to try to Stump the Trump, they fail. How often has a day of Clinton news been disrupted by Trump making an outrageous comment that dominates the news cycle?
I was on CNBC the day Trump said we should ask for Russia’s help to hack into Hillary emails, and I called him a madman. But he isn’t mad, he’s brilliant.
That comment, which was essentially a joke since Russia surely hacked her email more than a year ago, torpedoed the news cycle, and highlighted several facts.
Speaking of emails and hacking, isn’t it incredible that Julian Assange seems to be fully on board the Trump Train? I’m surprised Hillary has been with Assange — she’s been making excuses for a rapist for decades.
Assange promises an October Surprise, and I assume that doesn’t mean Hillary losing control of her bowels during a speech.
My opinion on Assange’s October Surprise is that it will entail emails showing Hillary was Roger Stone’s primary source for his book “The Clintons’ War on Women” which Hillary assumed was a complimentary puff piece.
Trump will not forget how to wrap the media around his little finger. He will continue to be three steps ahead of them until and beyond what now feels like his inevitable inauguration.
I have to tell you how much it warms my cold, dark heart to see the press’s reaction to Trump’s trolling. Was there anything more wonderful than baiting them with a birther comment to advertise his new hotel? I like to think I’m a good troll, but truly we are in the presence of greatness with this guy.
We used to be afraid of the press. Now we see them for what they are: lying, petulant children, who have only the power we give them.
It’s time to take that power away.
Trump has a tremendous advantage in engaging with voters. If Hillary were here tonight, she couldn’t fill this room. In fact she was delivering a speech to a few hundred young people in Florida on the same day I was speaking to 1,200 at Louisiana State.
That’s right, even I, a fag from Britain just stopping by the States to remind y’all not to be crazy this November — I attract crowds five times the size of Hillary’s.
That’s assuming her crowds were even real people, and not paid actors, which has happened in the past.
A handy tip for Hillary… if you start giving speeches to groups of midgets, when the press describes a “small crowd” you can just call them bigots.
That 1,200 seater in Louisiana was sold out in 48 hours, by the way.
Here’s something important. Hillary is collapsing with millennials. Unfortunately for the Hillary camp, Gary Johnson is stealing votes from the pot smoking Bernie Bros.
The media has focused on how Millennials are backing Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, but they’re now starting to realize that Trump is taking them away from her too. In today’s Bloomberg poll, Trump has closed the gap with young people by 19 points.
This cannot be unconnected to the movement I see here in this room, and in campuses around the country.
And I hate to be immodest but suspect it also has something to do with the fact that there’s now a handsome, dangerous faggot out there who unlike dull conservative columnists is actually talking to young people about the issues that matter to them.
Our movement is growing. And our movement is working.
Breitbart, unlike other conservative sites, actually has some conservative readers who aren’t preparing their wills. But most of all, it’s because of all of you, and the boldness you inspire in the rest of your generation.
In other words, the momentum is with Daddy.
This, despite Hillary and the media name-calling endlessly.
Hillary can’t fight Trump on policies and positions, so she has resorted to calling him and everyone who supports him a racist, sexist, transphobic, ponyphobic… well, I am not going to try to go for a complete list because we don’t have all night. But you get the idea. We are all in a massive basket of deplorables. Aren’t we proud to be Hillary’s deplorables, folks?
We have arrived at the spectacle of a woman who wants to be President of the United States of America, giving speeches on the horrors of a green frog from a Chinese cartoon message board on the internet.
And she’s reading out headlines from a bitchy gay columnist, pretending that they reveal widespread sexism in America.
Newsflash, Democrats. Pepe the Frog has never killed anyone. Nor have I, despite what you read in the liberal press and see on the placards of the oddballs and losers who protest my speeches.
If you’re black or Hispanic or a woman or a homosexual sitting in the audience or watching this at home, you are not at threat from gangs of marauding white supremacists prowling the streets of Florida. You do not need to worry about being accosted by the KKK on your way home from work.
You do have to worry about Black Lives Matter. You do have to worry, if you’re a student, about the excesses of modern feminism, which can get you thrown out of college or locked up when you’ve done nothing wrong.
And you do have to worry about Islam. The Muslims Hillary wants to welcome into America do represent a threat not only to the ideals on which this country was founded, but to the life and limb of every man, woman and child in this country.
All three of these groups will be hugely emboldened and empowered under a Clinton administration.
I have a feeling Trump is going to win this election. Which is just as well, because if he doesn’t there might not be much of an America left in two term’s time.
I’m just a visitor to your great nation, but it’s clear to me that not only does America need to build that wall and fix trade, but it also needs to smash political correctness forever and it needs to banish the progressive left, with all its lies and nannying and bullying and incoherence, into the dustbin of history.
Thank you — and I’m happy to take your questions. We’re going to keep it brief tonight so we can all get home to watch the carnage.
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