Green Party: the First Hundred Days

The story so far: devastated by universally appalling reviews of its dreadful farrago of lefty nonsense UKIP: The First Hundred Days, Channel 4 has reluctantly agreed to make another, counterbalancing political mockumentary, a much more realistic one this time, called Greens: The First Hundred Days.

Here, we treat you to an exclusive preview of the script.

Day 1. Outside Number 10 Downing Street. Green Party leader Natalie Bennett, now Britain’s surprise new Prime Minister, stages a photo opportunity in which she ostentatiously waves farewell to her black, bullet-proof Jaguar. From now on, she announces to smiling wellwishers, all ministerial business will be conducted via bicycle, coracle, or, “ideally good old Shanks’ Pony.” Lots of unwashed people, the women with unshaven armpits, the men with tattoos and hipster beards, all laugh and cheer and fling their Poi high into the air, catching them with great dexterity because not being employed they’ve had loads of practice. Looking on, beaming with pride, is our hero, Benny Goldstein, newly elected Green MP for Kensington and Chelsea. This is the dawn of the Age of Gaia.

Day 7. A crowded cabinet meeting. It’s crowded because, in the interests of equality, Bennett has decided that all the Green Party’s 308 members should have equal say, a bit like “circle time in kindergarten.”

BENNETT: ….now we’ve covered free tai chi workshops for every school, caffeine to be phased out of tea by 2030, National Recycling Month and the phasing out by August of all nuclear or fossil fuel power stations. Any other business?

GOLDSTEIN: “About yesterday’s Argentine invasion of the Falklands…”

BENNETT: “I think we decided on ’embrace’, didn’t we? “Invasion” sounds so invasive. Which isn’t the kind of language we need now that we’ve disbanded the Armed Forces whose approach to everything was frankly far too militaristic.

GREEN MP 1. “And it’s Malvinas. Not Falklands, which just smacks of outmoded imperialism.”

GOLDSTEIN: “But the Falkland Islanders, do they not get a….”

BENNETT: “If they don’t like it they’re more than welcome to come here. Everyone is under our new unlimited immigration policy.”

Day 18. Dorset. By that nice beach with the cliffs, right where they found Danny’s body on Broadchurch. The horizon is black with shipping: from jerry built African fishing boats to sleek Italian destroyers. It’s like Dunkirk in reverse. Everyone from AK47-toting smuggling gangs to EU states desperate to offload their refugee population now knows of Britain’s open-doors policy. Ragged crowds trudge ashore to be greeted by volunteers ladling out welcome bowls of tarka daal and a leaflet, personally handed out by Natalie Bennett, which says: “You are a British citizen now” in eighty-seven different languages.

Day 19. Luton Airport. Crowds of desperate Poles besiege the WizzAir counter. They’re desperate to get back to a half-way functioning economy before the inevitable capital controls are introduced to stop sterling plummeting more than it has already. The pound is currently trading at 50 cents and 40 Euros. According to the Greens’ new economics spokesman Russell Brand “This is like, ****ing amazin’, because petrol ‘n’ all that other imported malarkey is so expensive we can’t afford it, so we get to be much more sustainable and self-sufficient, innit, my lovely jubbly mofos?”

Day 22. Drax Power Station. Caroline Lucas, Minister for Renewal, in fetching pair of emerald thigh-length jackboots, climbs into a crane and expertly swings the giant wrecking ball into one of the station’s cooling towers.

LUCAS: I declare this death factory CLOSED.

The reporter from the Guardian’s Environment pages applauds. Everyone else glares. The Met Office has predicted a mild winter which almost certainly means it will be the most Siberian yet. Only one fossil fuel power station has been closed so far and already there have been blackouts, which is just about bearable in summer. But what will happen come December?

Day 28 3am. A spacious home with a large garden, somewhere in Berkshire. There’s an urgent knock on the door. A bleary-eyed middle aged man trudges downstairs just in time to catch a team from the newly-formed Green Police, in their organic hemp uniforms printed with graffiti-style motifs designed by Banksy, bursting through the shattered remains of his front door. They are led by the MINISTER FOR RENEWABLES, DALE VINCE.

VINCE: Under Renewable Energy Directive 2142, I hereby inform you that your property has been requisitioned for the new Happy Bats Wind Project.

HOMEOWNER: But what about my home? My family?

VINCE: Property is theft, mate. And even if it isn’t – what with my being quite attached to my castle I’ve acquired thanks to my Ecotricity profits – I’m afraid it’s tough titty. Government policy is for us to be fossil fuel free by 2030, so we can’t be hanging about, can we?

Day 47 A crowded cabinet meeting.

BENNETT: So, Latin and Greek to be phased out in all private schools and replaced by sustainability and global warming studies; free Skunk weed for under 18s; 100 per cent tax on all meat products; the closure of all church schools; any other business?

GOLDSTEIN: Some of my constituents have raised concerns about the Rabbi burned to death with 15 members of his synagogue in Stamford Hill. They feel that maybe your message to the Muslim community that you “feel their pain and understand their anger at global injustice” wasn’t quite as robust as it could have been.

GREEN MP 2: “Well if the Jews would only dismantle their settlements in Gaza….”

GOLDSTEIN: “There aren’t any settlements in Gaza.”

GREEN MP 2: “Just goes to show how well our boycott Israel policies are working.”

DAY 100. Outside Downing Street. A press conference is held to mark the Green Party’s first 100 Days.

BENNETT: You voted Green because you believed in our dream: a dream of a new age when people set aside consumerism, competitiveness, the rat race…

HECKLER: Clean streets, a functioning economy, shops where the shelves aren’t…

DALE VINCE drags the Heckler off before he can finish.

BENNETT: ….fossil fuels, carbon pollution, sexism, racism, war….

HECKLER ….property rights….

VINCE begins clubbing the Heckler with a didgeridoo, as if he were a baby seal.

BENNETT. And we are proud to announce we have achieved everything that we have set out to do. The FTSE has fallen by 85 per cent which means, technically we have fulfilled our ambition of putting an end to economic growth. The rich have all left the country, meaning the gap between the richest and poorest is narrower than it has ever been in history. And if you think things are great now, wait till you see how much better things get next year when we phase out all polluting agricultural machinery, bring back scythes and horse drawn carts, and become entirely self sufficient!

VINCE whispers in her ear.

BENNETT: Oh, yes, and I forgot to mention the best thing of all. You know how pretty it is at night when your house is all dark and you light it up with lots of flickery little candles? Well, under Dale’s new Low Energy Use, from now on EVERY night is going to be PRETTY CANDLE NIGHT. Now you can all give yourselves a big round applause for voting Green. Without your wisdom and insight and willingness to vote for real change, none of this would ever have been possible!