REVIEW: 'Killers' — Worst Movie of the Year?

It is a little early for declaring what the worst movies of 2010 are, but after seeing “MacGruber” and “Killers” within weeks of each other, it seems like this is going to be a rough year for film viewers. “Killers” is the new “comedy” about a woman who falls in love, gets married and then eventually finds out that her husband used to be an assassin. She is mildly shocked by the news but the biggest shock in the movie theaters showing this movie will not be on big screen. It will be film-goers who realize that they wasted their money on this awful film.

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The movie revolves around Jen (Katherine Heigl), a woman who goes to France on vacation with her parents after her boyfriend dumps her (lucky guy). On that vacation, she meets Spencer (Ashton Kutcher), a mysterious stranger who kills people for money. Because of this new woman he meets, Spencer decides to give up his occupation partly because he longs for a quiet domestic life. (I guess he didn’t realize that former assassins don’t live in tranquil bliss, like the “desperate housewives” do.) A few short scenes later, the years have passed and Jen and Spencer are married and living a pleasant life in the suburbs. Spencer knows a lot of his neighbors and enjoys attending the local block parties.

Spencer is living a peaceful life until his past catches up with him and long-time friends of the couple attempt to kill him. Unfortunately for us, they don’t succeed.

The movie then focuses on people trying to kill Spencer and his attempts to escape with his wife. Sadly, the characters are all one-dimensional and the dialogue is utterly atrocious. From their first encounter and their first date (where Jen does a “robot” voice for no apparent reason) through the end, the lines these actors say are utterly ridiculous. In the past, I have liked the two leads (Heigl and Kutcher) in some of their other work. However, they are both unimpressive in this latest effort and the movie does them no favors.

Kutcher spends a lot of time without his shirt on (not sure why) and Heigl spends a lot of time without her dignity. This film will not help either performer in their acting careers.

Along with its characters, the plot is silly and often illogical. For instance, after their marriage, Spencer tries to hide the fact that he was previously an assassin. He seeks to accomplish this by hiding a handgun in a drawer at work. Not in the back of the drawer, mind you. He hides it in the front of the drawer. When he thinks that part of his old life is coming back to put him back in the game, he brings the gun home and then hides it from his wife in his nightstand. (Again…not in the back of the nightstand behind some shirts that he avoids wearing. He hides it in the front of the nightstand.) He must not have been a very secretive assassin. No wonder he wanted to quit.

The plot twists are also ridiculous. When assassins start going after Spencer, the action scenes are disappointing and dull. When the leads are attacked by once-friendly neighbors, the movie becomes even more silly and unsatisfying. However, those twists are not as profoundly dumb as when Jen finds out her husband used to kill people for a living. One would think that a wife would have a strong reaction after such a revelation. Not according to this movie. She gets over it pretty quickly.

Now, to be fair, there are some good things. The movie eventually ends. That’s pretty satisfying.

To be serious, Catherine O’ Hara is one of, if not the best thing in the film. She’s very funny as Jen’s alcoholic mother. It is disappointing that she wasn’t given better material but she is a highlight in what is otherwise dismal. After spending so much time with these other characters and listening to their dialogue, it’s no wonder she drinks as much as she does.

This movie may not be as bad as the atrocious “MacGruber,” but it is awful nonetheless and deserves to die a quick death at the box office.