Five Reasons Politically Conservative Catholics Fear Pope Francis

Liberals have waited a good long while for a Pope they could use as a stick to beat conservative Catholics. With Pope Francis, at long last, they have one. So, here are the five reasons politically conservative Catholics fear Francis.

1. Francis is ruining our shirts: Countless crisp white shirts and red rep ties have been ruined by cups of coffee spit out in shock and annoyance at the latest spontaneous comments of Pope Francis. Besides a change of shirt and tie, here is yet another thing you’re going to have to explain away to your liberal friends today.
2. Francis hates air-conditioning: Conservative Catholics love air-conditioning. Everyone loves air-conditioning, everyone except the Pope. He says it is causing the end of civilization. He says air-conditioning is ruining the planet. We say, crank it up.
3. Francis hates capitalism: The Pope actually condemns “unfettered capitalism,” perhaps the strawiest of straw men. Conservatives would ask, “Where do I get some of that?” We certainly know unfettered government, but unfettered capitalism? The Pope does not seem to understand that — in the words of Arthur Brooks of the American Enterprise Institute — “[Free market capitalism] is the best anti-poverty measure ever invented.”
4. Francis buys “climate change”: Perhaps the biggest political scam the world has ever known, “climate change” is little more than a lefty scheme to harm the free market, empower government, and make lefties rich. The Pope says the poor will be hurt the most, but, even if the seas rise, all the best beach-front property is owned by the rich. What about them, Holy Father?
5. Francis soft-peddles our issues: We were used to Popes having out back. Sure, John Paul II and Benedict XVI held some lefty views on the death penalty and opposition to certain foreign excursions, but they knew the value of the free market, and they were publicly strong on abortion and marriage. This Pope says nice things about those issues, but he also says we shouldn’t obsess about them. Sheesh.